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Three weeks have passed since I copped one in the beak from 1 of 2 fine young gentlemen who decided to assault me on Beaufort St just after midnight to facilitate the unlawful acquisition of my cursed iPhone 6S. While I have no doubt the police are doing everything in their wide powers to fastidiously procure and examine available CCTV footage and other helpful evidence, I thought I might just throw the offer of a substantial reward at the situation just in case someone out there knows of any young brain surgeons proudly gloating how they coward punched an unsuspecting old battler wearing a bright orange Bertigo to souvenir an eau de cologne.The dynamic duo approached me as I was fondly chatting to my dear girlfriend in Canada, and as I was lost in conversation, I thought nothing of 2 circa 75kg nobodies walking up the street toward me and paid very little attention. They certainly didn't look threateningly dressed, although I surmised they were not on their way to the Royal Enclosure at Royal Ascot, nor would they be interested in acquiring my Bertigo. They asked me for the time with articulation suggesting that they were not en route to the local Mastermind finals, and their lack of interest in my Maurice Lacroix indicated they may not have enjoyed much success as contestants in The Price Is Right.They had, however, outsmarted this old battler as, thinking nothing of the request, I looked down at my watch, at which point I became a fairly easy unsuspecting target and absorbed the blow, which caused profuse bleeding and my I Suppose to be broken. The reason I am most revengeful about this cowardly attack is the distress it caused my little darling in Canada who heard the altercation, tried unsuccessfully to call me many times and then heard the phone go dead. She was unsure as to my prognosis for a few hours, worrying I was lying unattended in a pool of blood somewhere. While I am sure I will ID the perpetrators if put in front of me, my description to police was less than perfect as I chose to pay no attention to these little mediocrities. I said they were both around 5 ft 10, slim builds with moronic looking long thin heads like Bert, not stupid and round like Ernie. Without risking to offend anyone, especially so close to Australia Day, I was certain that at least one was a native Australian. The phone made its way north up Beaufort St to the 24 Pharmacy before it was turned off. Any assistance in tracking down these little pillars of society would be greatly appreciated and well rewarded, and I presume I have the attention of much of Perth back again now that Marriage at First Sight has finished. You looked gorgeous trumpet style wedding dress Tracey Jewel as did my potential sister in law bridesmaid Lucy Dempster and the eternally gorgeous unicorn Katie Tomarchio , but Channel 9 is drawing a long bow calling it the wedding of the year. Perhaps they have yet to secure the rights to Harry and Meghan's nuptials.