This city is a potpourri of characters.
Yesterday as I walked along Admiralty road in Lekki Phase 1 taking pictures of everyday people, a well dressed man carrying a laptop bag walked up to me.
"Fine man, I greet you."
I turned to him.
He had a serious, business like mien but had a charming aura.
I smiled before I reciprocated.
"I greet you too."
"Sorry o but you don marry?"
"I don dey look you since as you dey walk around this place, dey talk to people, dey laugh with them, dey take picture, I kon dey think to myself say as e dey easy for you to dey make friend with all this people wen you no know before na so e go dey dey easy for you to catch woman. So if you never marry na kasala be dat."
Intrigue had seized me.
"Ahh all de womans go dey look you as you tall so, kon fresh, fine face, dem go see de kain plenty money camera you carry, de kain fine cloth and lason shoe you wear, dem go say a le yi ti yegiri. Oti kpankpan. Owo ti de. If you sef kon see dem, kon like dem, before you open your mouth sef to talk to dem to follow you reach house make you show dem something, dem don comot paient already. Wetin dey hard ordinary man na soft work for you."
I was still smiling and patiently listening to him as the cars drove by and the people walked by.
He could see he had my attention, so he wiped off the sweat that was gathering on his forehead with the sleeve of his native top and continued.
"But de problem for de matter be say, man wen dey quick dey find woman dey also dey suffer from high expectatian."
"Yes, high expectatian. Woman wen comot paient set yansh for you even before you talk dey expect say you go break her waist with oko gidigan. She believe say you go show am oke isale. Hell. But the kain wen dey sweet."
Then he laughed as he tapped my arm before he continued.
"Fine man as I see you so I know say you carry. Heavy. Oko lanlan. But."
He stopped again as if for emphasis.
"But you dey do extra time?"
"Yes ke! For woman to zatizfi no be oko lanlan only dey dey de matter o, na how many round you fit do. Na how you dey fit fa idi."
He instantly began simulating the act itself. Waist rolling. Pelvis thrusting to and fro. A lascivious smile on his face.
He stopped and continued.
"Yes ke. O fe pa omo lati Iya ti suku. Eh brother mi. Ah brother mi. Obo mi fe gbaskeke. Ah brother mi oko e swele gan gan. Ah! fun mi 911 hospita emergency montuary is caling."
He was moaning and making bedroom sounds as he spoke with such expertise I burst out laughing.
He was suddenly serious.
"Fine man no be laughing matter o. Woman wen dey follow you like fly wen see shit dey expect say you go kill am for bed kon wake am up, kon kill am again kon wake up, atleast four times for one night."
He opened his eyes and began whispering to me. As though his secret was to precious to ne heard by passerbys.
"No ah o! As you see me so I dey do eight rounds a night steady. No woman don leave me before, na me dey leave dem dey find fresh blood to use dey look young and fresh. How old you think say I be?"
I looked at him for a moment.
"Ah you don fall from bridge be dat. I go be fifty tree this May by the grace of God."
"Yes na. And I dey still do woman like say I be sixteen but not gragra apegingin o. Correct opelenle. The kain wen dey make woman dey use e own money dey cook soup with big big ogufe for you."
I keeled over with laughter.
He still was serious.
"Fine man. You fit be like me o. You fit zatisfi all those plenty woman wen dey follow you."
Still laughing I mumbled.
"I get the merecin wen dey strong man back. The one wen dey remove jedijedi."
"Yes na. Na im denvil dey use punish man."
"For man, denvil na the same thing as sugar. You no see de way denvil temtatian dey sweet. Na so sugar dey sweet. Both of dem na one. Dem go sweet you an na dia sweet go kill you"
"So you fit cure Jedijedi?
"One time. My merecin dey remove all the orishirishi for body. Fever o, excess fat for belle, bone pain, eye wen dey see double, hendache wen no dey go, hot chest, quick enjaculantian and even weak penis."
"Ah! gbogbo lo se."
He laughed before he asked.
"Fine man, who tish you dat one?"
"I be lagos boy na. I enter town."
"Correct. But for every work wen pesin dey do fake dey dey. Even dis your camera work, e get awon jatijati wen go point you camera use flash blind you, collect your money, tell you say make you kon collect pisure for one hour and you go go come, even dia shandow you no go see. So make you no dey use bad eye dey take look fowl because one of dem shit for your yard, if you dey strong eye, your vex no go gree you chop shinkin. So as you see me so. I be confirm."
He opened his laptop bag. There was no laptop but neatly arranged bottles filled with herbs.
He brought one out.
"Me I no be vendor o. I be herbalist. Na mi dey go village dey farm some of de tin wen I put inside my merecin. Some I dey buy. Some I dey pluck."
He raised the bottle and pointed to some green leaves in it.
"You see dis leaf. Dem dey call am ejinrin. E no fit live two days after you comot am from ground. E go die. So everyday I need to get am, use am for mixing unless e go waste. Na only me for this country dey use am inside my merecin. Because my merecin na boat cure and vaccination."
"Fine man, no laugh. Na serious matter be dis. If you buy this merecin, put gin or water inside am. Leave am for two days make e soak. Kon take one shot every three days. Na you go dey find me for Lagos to top up. You no see hundred plus year old man for village still dey marry dey gi woman belle, you tink say na phensic or panadol e dey take strong body. Leave dat tin. Na agbo jedijedi. Opeyin. Back stronger. Black power. Even the ejinrin leaf wen dey my own na to drive any evil spirit wen dey follow you or even if na magun dem put for the woman body, you go climb am finish work, notin go happen." JuneBridals petite styled items in the cocktail to wear
I was reeling with laughter.
"Bros I need to record you saying these things for my people to see."
"You go buy my market first o."
"No worry I go buy. I go also take picture of you too. You gree?"
"Yes na. I no dey fear. If you use my pisure do any bad for me, thunda go strike you immediately. Me as you see me so na spirit I be."
"Na you go worry o, no be mi."
"I no go talk all my secret for your camera o before pesin tief my business."
"Just talk the one wen you fit."
"Okay na. I don become celebrity be dis. Movin star."
He began readjusting his clothes, striking a pose and smiling sheepishly.